Feb 29, 2012

Football's Oscars – the beautiful game's equivalent of Jean Dujardin & Meryl Streep

The biggest movie stars from across the globe will converge on Hollywood for the 84th Academy Awards on Sunday evening. 

The eyes of the world will gaze upon the red carpet of the Kodak Theatre as the glitz and glamour of the Oscars gets set to enchant the masses once again.

There will be fashion victories and faux pas, emotional tales and long-winded speeches, winners will be crowned and losers will be forced to smile bravely in a ceremony celebrating the best in cinema.

With that in mind, we  are set to name the cream of the crop in the football industry. Awards will be handed out to your favourite stars and villains in a plethora of categories starting with Best Original Screenplay and culminating with Best Picture.

Without any further ado, grab some popcorn and your preferred beverage because the Football Oscars begins now ...

BEST WRITING: ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY - Jose Mourinho


A man nicknamed the 'Special One' hits out at his former employers after losing a key battle in front of millions of people. The star of this gripping, edge-of-your-seat thriller does not take kindly to the setback and accuses his sworn enemies of receiving preferential treatment from the powers that be.

The main character insists he is the victim of a vast conspiracy as he tries to dethrone the ruling elite in Spain and Europe. The slightly paranoid 49-year-old sends his underlings to talk to the press in an escalating war of wills involving multi-national corporations, European governing bodies and international charities. A wonderfully crafted story that had all the necessary elements to be a box-office hit.

BEST DOCUMENTARY - Rise and Shine: The Jay DeMerit Story


A classic tale about an underdog who defies the odds to reach the pinnacle of the sport is sure to strike a chord with the paying public. The film by Nick Lewis and Ranko Tutulugdzija follows Jay DeMerit's meteoric ascent from the Sunday pub leagues in England to the 2010 World Cup finals in South Africa.

The American defender's rags to riches story almost never made it to the big screen but was rescued by an infusion of funds from private donors like Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo and Bolton midfielder Stuart Holden. An inspirational documentary that is a must see for lovers of the beautiful game.

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE - Man Utd 8-2 Arsenal


This is a horror movie that the Arsenal faithful will want to forget as quickly as possible. The naive north London boys were ripe for the picking and Manchester United showed them no mercy at the Theatre of Dreams.

The Red Devils dealt Arsene Wenger's side a psychological blow that the Gunners supporters will be keen to lock away in the deep crevices of their minds and never revisit. Some scars, however, never heal. United's 8-2 thrashing of Arsenal takes the honour for best original score.

BEST ORIGINAL SONG - Manchester City


Mario Balotelli's misadventures have made the headlines in England ever since the mercurial striker left Inter for Manchester City in 2010. The 21-year-old has become a cult hero in Britain following his misdeeds on and off the pitch, so it's only natural that the City supporters have drummed up a chant for their favourite Italian.

"Oh Balotelli he's a striker …
He's good at darts, he's allergic to grass but when he plays, he's class
Drives round Moss Side with a wallet full of cash
Can't put on his vest but when he does he is the best
Goes into schools, tells teachers all the rules
Sets fire to his gaff, with rockets from his bath.
Doesn't care because he did it for a laugh, runs back to his house for a suitcase full of cash.
Oh Balotelli …"

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS - Milan fans


The Curva Sud's depiction of 'Leonardo's last supper' takes the cake in the Best Visual Effects category. The Rossoneri supporters unfurled the banner before the Milan derby last April, branding Leonardo a 'Judas'. 

The Brazilian featured for the Diavoli for four years in the late 90s before taking the reins as coach in 2009. However, he defected to the blue and black side of Milan on Christmas Eve last year and the Rossoneri faithful made no bones about their feelings for the 'traitor'.

MEMORIAL AWARD - Socrates


Socrates passed away on December 4, 2011 at the age of 57 from septic shock following gastrointestinal complications. The Brazilian icon will be remembered just as much for his accomplishments on the field as for his exploits away from the pitch.

His love for art, history and politics made him a larger than life character and the Corinthians hero embodied the elegance and grace of Brazilian football. The captain of the beloved 1982 World Cup side was revered by the masses and became a symbol for social activism. A true poet warrior in every sense of the word.

BEST MAKEUP - Peter Reid and Diego Maradona


Peter Reid ended a 25-year feud with Diego Maradona over the infamous 'Hand of God' goal at the 1986 World Cup in Mexico. The former England midfielder, who was on the pitch when Maradona scored the controversial 'goal' to knock the Three Lions out of the competition, wrote last year that the Argentine legend was "still a cheat".

However, Reid was all smiles when the two met up in Abu Dhabi in December 2011 and the Englishman went so far as to kiss the hand which Maradona used to knock the ball past Peter Shilton. Reid's gesture may have ended the dispute with the Al Wasl coach but has made him persona non grata with some of his fellow countrymen.

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE - Jurgen Klopp


Borussia Dortmund trainer Jurgen Klopp is famous for his exuberant outbursts on the touchline as most Bundesliga fans can attest to. The charismatic 44-year-old wears his heart on his sleeve and is not afraid to lose himself in the heat of the moment.

His penchant for wild celebrations might have reached its zenith just before the Christmas break when he tore a quadriceps muscle rushing from the stands to celebrate BVB's penalty shoot-out victory over Fortuna Dusseldorf in the DFB-Pokal. A worthy winner of the Best Animated Feature.

ACADEMY HONORARY AWARD - EUSEBIO


Eusebio turned 70 earlier this year amid ongoing health problems that have seen him hospitalised three times in the last two months.

Back in his prime, though, the 1965 European Player of the Year was an absolute terror on the pitch. He scored 473 goals in 437 appearances in all competitions for Benfica and led Portugal to a third-placed finish at the 1966 World Cup. Eusebio won the European Golden Boot twice and is widely considered one of the top 10 footballers of all time. A true legend.

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM - 'No hablo Ingles'


This sub-titled film is about a depressed Argentine trying to make sense of his life over 10,000 kilometres away from home in rainy Manchester. Our tragic hero wins over many admirers in the beginning with his gritty, never-say-die attitude but is later ostracised after failing to follow instructions given to him from his superior.

The main character Carlos Tevez claims he did not comprehend what his manager was trying to relay to him while on a club outing in Munich because he still doesn't understand English very well. The 'misunderstood' 28-year-old flees to his homeland to escape the pain only to return months later vowing to win back his former supporters.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS - Patty Orue


Patty Orue lit up screens across South America and beyond at the 2011 Copa America in Argentina. The vivacious vixen kept things interesting during Paraguay's lethargic matches and injected some much needed spice and drama in their run to the Copa final.

Orue edges out compatriot Larissa Riquelme, who made her name during the 2010 World Cup. Cameras were fixated on the two beauties during the continental tournament but the blonde bombshell takes top honours by enthralling fans far and wide with her colourful wardrobe and endless enthusiasm.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR - Sergio Busquets


Sergio Busquets is one of the most polarising figures on the scene today. His proponents argue that he is a vital cog in the Barcelona machine while his detractors believe that he is overrated and would not succeed outside his current environment.

What's not up for debate, though, is that Busquets can play a myriad of different roles including agitator, provocateur extraordinare, schemer and the not-so-innocent victim. The Spaniard can also play the part of world-class midfielder on occasion and it's this type of flexibility that sees him win the prestigious accolade.

BEST DIRECTOR - Pep Guardiola


Pep Guardiola has a clear vision of how he wants his end product to appear on the big screen and is deft enough to keep his dressing room harmonious in order to make it happen. Critics tend to argue that the classy Catalan has a room full of stars at his disposal and like to credit his success to the talent available in his ranks.

The bottom line is that Pep continues to churn out hit after hit and his 13 trophies in four years in charge of the Catalan institution is more than enough proof that his methods are highly successful.

BEST ACTRESS - Hope Solo


Everybody loves a good redemption story and after goalkeeper Hope Solo was benched for the World Cup semi-final against Brazil in 2007 and then subsequently kicked off the team for criticising her coach and fellow team-mate who replaced her between the posts, all eyes were on the 30-year-old in Germany last summer.

Solo thrived in the limelight and was the star of the show as she led the US Women's team to the final of the 2011 World Cup where they bowed out to Japan in the final. A worthy winner who certainly did not need any help from Goal.com editor KS Leong, who used his influence within the organisation to push for her victory.

BEST ACTOR - Lionel Messi


I hate to kill the suspense here ladies and gents but this is an absolute no-brainer. Lionel Messi is hands down the best in the business. There are a few leading men out there worthy of the plaudits they receive but none can touch the Argentine genius.

The diminutive dynamo is the best player on the best team in the world and seems to elevate his performance on the biggest stage. Messi is the envy of his peers and is a fantastic role model for the youth in an industry where avarice and inflated egos run rampant and wild.

BEST PICTURE - 'Tiki-Taka' by Barcelona


A movie based mostly in Catalunya but also shot in many regions across Spain. The heroes of the film are forced to deal with a daunting, expensively assembled army of mercenaries hell-bent on taking them down.

The Catalans lose a battle or two along the way but ultimately vanquish their rivals and win the war. The fast flowing film features a vast array of unforgettable characters and culminates with the club consolidating their stranglehold on Spain and Europe. Some critics are already calling it one of the best of all time.

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